The Evolution of Team Bonding (or Loki Teaches Tony a Lesson)
by lovecrumb
Summary: It's in the title. Only the first two chapters will be uploaded here-check my account at AO3 for later chapters here: /works/3080180/chapters/6680822
1. The God of Great Sex

A very important note: Later chapters of this story are explicit, which is apparently not allowed on this site anymore, so the story in full will be uploaded onto my AO3 account here: /works/3080180/chapters/6680822. Only the first two chapters will be posted here. I would encourage people to join AO3- I prefer the community over there, I go back over and over again (I come here almost never), there's a better form of category selection that include the use of tags, and there's a greater mutual respect between the members and moderators- who are fanfiction writers themselves. I'm really only uploading the first two chapters here because I might have some followers interested in this story.

Okay, see, here's the thing. Tony know- he _knows_ he shouldn't be mouthy with the former Prince of Asgard, with the so-called God of Mischief, with Thor's estranged then not-so-estranged, brother. But if there's one thing Tony knows equally well, it's that he can't resist tempting fate. Tempting fate has led him to where he is at this present moment, fighting what are apparently frost giants making their way across the Brooklyn Bridge, with the Avengers and Loki who is also, apparently, a frost giant himself - who knew? The frost giants have been wreaking havoc across all of New York's Five Boroughs for the last four days and they seem impervious to anything but Asgardian magic - something of a specialty of Loki's.

Frankly, Tony is beyond irritated to see the guy and pretty peeved that he had the balls to show his face anywhere close to New York, claiming to be an _ally_ no less. Yeah, fine, his teammates all agreed, very reluctantly, to let Loki help them, but Tony will have none of Loki's trickster bullshit, or at least, he'll have none of it when this one giant stops crushing Tony's head between its two bare fists. He has only one more second to realize he is well and truly done for when suddenly the pressure is gone and miracle of miracles- his head isn't a pile of goop on some giant snow alien's clammy blue hand, said alien blown to pieces in a flash of green light.

The helmet's visuals are going berserk, and he's pretty sure the back plate is wedged up into his skull, but hey, he's alive! His moment of gratitude is immediately undone when he hears that voice- that slimy, weirdly British voice (why do all the Gods sound like they're rehearsing for Shakespeare in the Park?) and he sees that horrible face with its horrible mischievous trademark smirk and he realizes Loki just saved his life.

Tony groans a very loud, very annoyed groan and manages to twist his helmet off his head so that he can see and hear without interference. Loki has been speaking this whole time, and Tony barely registers any of it until he hears "But of course, the most useless Avenger required my aid, and does not even have the courtesy to thank me for it," Loki dismisses him, turning away and heading to the battle that is moving slowly but steadily into Manhattan.

Hours from this moment, Tony will wonder why he couldn't keep his mouth shut - was it his exhaustion, or his throbbing head, or is it the effect Loki seems to inevitably have on everyone around him? But he will realize that no, he opened his mouth because that's just who Tony Stark is: a big fat Fate-tempter.

"Uh, I tend not to thank people who once threw me out of a high-rise window." To be fair, it isn't the best of his comebacks, but hey, his head was almost smushed by an alien, give a guy a break. He can't help but continue, as Loki turns slowly back to him, and Tony begins to count on his fingers "or someone who broke my hellicarier, released the hulk, stabbed my friend through the heart, opened a portal to unleash a giant alien army bent on conquering our planet- right over my tower no less-, who magically mind-controlled some of SHIELD's best agents to do your evil bidding, however the hell that worked, and who managed to destroy countless lives, countless city blocks yada yada yada- look I'm running out of fingers. What I'm basically saying is this: I'm not going to thank you for shit. I don't even care if you're the God of Great Sex, you're not hearing a word of thanks out of me."

"Is that so?" Loki smirks once again, but it is a dangerous smirk and any person with a smidgeon self-preservation would leave, would run away, would get the hell out of Dodge but Tony isn't one of those people so he immediately rebukes, "You're a psychopathic piece of work with daddy issues who came crawling back to his brother with false remorse and a suspicious attitude change, and you expect us to just let you be a hero? You'll never be a hero on this planet. People will look at you and only see the thousands of lives you destroyed, and the way you treated us like ants, easy to step on, easy to manipulate. You haven't changed, only your motives have, and if you still think so little of us that we would fall for it a second time, you're dead wrong."

Loki takes a menacing step towards him and says "I know it to be true that not long ago your life's work amounted to much the same, metal man. Weapons of war, carelessly left in the wrong hands, responsible for so many lives lost, for so much terror and despair. And for what? For you to realize the error of your ways, to right the wrongs you have made, to become a hero in a world that would never see you as one. Trickster I may be, but a hypocrite I am not."

The thing is, Loki has a point. And that really pisses Tony off, so his reactionary response is to blow stuff up, and Loki seems to be the most obvious target for his anger right now. Loki effortlessly forms a magical barrier to dissolve the blast ('how- magic _how_?' Tony frantically thinks, unable to process) but Loki's smirk is gone and the look replacing it is a little more scary.

Suddenly it isn't Loki menacingly approaching him but Natasha and that throws Tony for a loop. She walks closer saying "Tony Stark displays compulsive behaviour, textbook narcissism and self-destructive tendencies. He is _not_ recommended for the Avengers Initiative." And then, as quickly as Natasha appeared, suddenly Hawkeye is in her place, pointing an arrow straight at his arc reactor "I have a shot sir, I can shut him down for good. Say the word and Stark's dead in the water." And then it's Bruce in front of him, fidgeting with his glasses and looking uncomfortable "I don't think I can work with the guy. He's seems like an egomaniac... I don't care if he's a genius, or Iron Man, or whatever, I just don't think it's a good idea to associate with any part of him." And then Thor is looming closer to him, hammer nowhere in sight but looking no less menacing for it, with his bulging triceps and billowing cape. His booming voice echoes as he speaks: "He is a petty man, and to state so arrogantly that he has 'privatized world peace' ... I would not lower myself to work with such a human." And finally Steve Rogers, with a look of disgust on his face, now closing the gap between them as he presses right into his space and says, just like Tony remembers it: "big man in a suit. Take that off and what are you? I've seen the footage. The only thing you really fight for is yourself. You may not be a threat but you better stop pretending to be a hero."

Tony's heart is racing, and he knows that his teammates have all really said those things about him, have all believed him to be close to worthless. To hear those words said about him, in such close succession, by his teammates he's grown to deeply admire, has his blood pounding in his ears and his stomach churning. Steve Rogers is still looking down at him, still too close for comfort, but he has Loki's smirk on his face and the image is just so wrong, so perverse, that Tony fires at him with the repulser. The image of Steve flickers before him as he staggers backward, and it's Loki again, and Tony realizes that he actually managed to hit the God before Loki could magic up his defenses. His shot has only appeared to leave Loki's robe smoldering slightly, the impact of the repulser sending him backward, but he seems uninjured. None the less, Loki is not happy, and while Tony may have the armor, his head is exposed.

Before he can even take flight, Loki hits him with a blast that has his suit short-circuiting. He tries to shout into his now mostly useless helmet for backup from his teammates, but he gets no response before it is promptly kicked from his hands into the East River. He hits the switch for the manual jetpack override and it also has no effect.

Tony, playing for time, turns to Loki and says "You know, if you're trying to get in our good books, this really isn't helping your cause. If they find me dead and you have anything to do with it, they'll be-"

"Relieved?" Loki interrupts with his usual smirk. And before Tony can protest, he continues, "No, Son of Stark, I will not kill you. I have something much more useful in mind for you: a lesson.

Let us see how highly the Avengers think of their metal man; Let us see how far they would go to protect you from harms way, and just how much you would ask of them to do so."

And suddenly, a bright light glows around Tony, and it quickly turns blinding. He loses consciousness, arms up, eyes closed, and out of options.


	2. An Embarassment of Loki's

Important Note ***** This is the last chapter I will be able to post here. Please read the rest of the updates over at my AO3 account here: /works/3080180/chapters/6680822

"Lo - he wakes."

"Give him some air, Clint."

"Bruce, go get Steve, he'll wanna be here."

"I have already alerted the Captain to Sir's return to consciousness."

Tony slowly opens his eyes, squinting to make sure that the light is normal. He's still in his armor, on the ground, but his head is on a pillow and he's definitely back in his tower, and somehow, miraculously, not in medical.

The first thing that comes out of his mouth is: "Loki. Where's that son of a bitch, I'm going to kill that bastard." He remembers that horrible smirk, a feeling of bone-deep hurt, and the bright light that overwhelmed him.

Thor looms over him pointing his hammer at Tony "Bastard he may be, you shall not speak ill of our mother."

The Captain enters the room at a light jog and he looks immediately relieved to see Tony awake and apparently bickering with the God of Thunder.

"Cap, would you get Thor off my back, and maybe explain cultural language barriers while you're at it? Jarvis, get me outta this thing. And how the hell am I not in medical?"

Natasha speaks up as the suit efficiently dismantles in front of them, "We saw a bright light at your end of the bridge and spotted you flying out of it seconds after it faded, making a beeline for the tower. We had the frost giants pretty well taken care of by then so we sent Cap in pursuit after we got no response from your commlink."

Jarvis fills in the rest "I was able to regain normal suit function when you lost consciousness, presumably once the enchantment no longer interfered with the core relays, and while I would have preferred to take you to the local S.H.I.E.L.D medical facilities, I deferred to protocol 3.92, brought you here, and summoned resident medical staff instead. The Captain waited here with you while I ran preliminary diagnostics and found no cause for alarm, though you appeared to have been in a deep slumber. Medical staff are currently on standby should your status change."

Rogers- no _Steve_, he has to remind himself- Steve wanted everyone to refer to each other on a first-name basis off the field for team morale or something equally irritating. So _Steve_ interjects, apparently just having caught on, "Wait, an enchantment? That was magic? Loki did this?" He looks daggers at Thor, who replies,

"Aye, it appears to be so." When Steve looks ready to start arguing, Thor holds up his hands in a placating gesture, "My brother is not innocent in this, but I might remind you that no harm has come to Anthony, his Jarvis has stated it to be so."

Tony pipes up, "Uhh, I'd like to challenge that statement. No harm? Why the hell was I asleep for what, 30 minutes? What's that about? A little bit concerned here. And Thor, buddy, I keep reminding you, it's 'Jarvis,' not 'his Jarvis.' Think of him like another Avenger."

"I'm flattered, Sir."

"I aim to please."

Steve has that baffled (and vaguely adorable) look on his face, one Tony has seen a lot of as Steve became more acquainted with modern technology. He supposes his banter with Jarvis will take Steve a little extra time to get used to.

"I don't like this," Steve shakes his head, "Tony wasn't knocked unconscious, he was sleeping, and that strikes me as a little strange. Tony, what happened over there between you and Loki?"

Tony's sitting on the couch now, his head back with his thumb and forefinger pressing into his eyes, trying to recall what happened before that bright light consumed him. "Uhh, I think I called him some names, probably. I remember saying something about the God of Great Sex, though I hardly think that's a bad thing to be associated with."

"Tony," Steve says, in his disappointed Captain voice that Tony just _hates. _

"Yeah, yeah, fine. Let me think. I definitely told him my opinion about him. He had some not-so-nice things to say about me in return. Something about a lesson? He wanted me to..."

"Are you okay, Tony?" Bruce has taken a few steps toward the couch because suddenly Tony's face has gone white, and his eyes have begun to dart around the room and it's clear that he remembers.

Tony looks around the room at his teammates, remembers vividly how Loki magically impersonated each one of them, and he can't bear to repeat what was said out loud. To hear it once, in succession, was more than enough already.

Natasha sits down next to Tony, placing a warm hand on his knee, "talk to us, Tony. You're safe here."

Tony sighs and leans forward, before looking up, and his eyes go even wider, "Am I safe? Really? Because Loki is standing right there in our living room."

Cap is the first to react, darting over to Loki, making to secure him, but instead just moves right through him because Loki is doing that annoying magical hologram thing again.

Bruce is looking distinctly green and he stumbles backwards and leaves the room to calm down. They don't need a repeat of the last time Bruce and Loki were in a room together.

Natasha is muttering to Clint, "let's get an eye on this Birdy," as the two of them make their way to the room's opposing windows, while Thor advances slowly towards his brother's image. "Loki, explain yourself."

Loki, for once, indulges his brother, "It's really quite simple. Anthony, as you call him, is in dire need of a lesson. He is quick to recall my past transgressions, and equally quick to forget his own. He needs reminding that an estimation of one's character must transform as circumstances evolve."

"Bullshit." It comes from Clint and that's why Tony loves the guy, because he'll always speak up. The Hawk still has his eyes out the window as he says: "I was this close to putting an arrow through your heart when you appeared. A half second more and maybe I would have. We only agreed to your help because we had to."

Tony has to point out, "Also, what's so different about me in this scenario? We're all damaged goods here. And like Katniss said, we only let you on the team for this mission because we were getting desperate, and because you and Captain Thunderpants were the only two even remotely effective against these aliens. Look at us: Cap is ready to go all super-serum on your ass, Bruce can't even be in the same room as you without turning green, Natasha might look the most restrained but her eye is twitching and that's more than I've ever seen her react to something, Clint almost murdered you on site, and your brother looks like a kicked puppy. Collectively, we're all pretty unhappy to see you."

Loki's smirk has only grown, and god, Tony really hates the guy, "You make a fair point, Anthony. Which is why I have concluded that you must all learn this, how shall I put it, rather _serviceable_ lesson. Think of it as a gift, a team-bonding venture if you will."

That, apparently, has struck a chord with Thor, because suddenly the thunder god is looking mutinous, and his hammer is back in his hand, pointing straight at Loki's image, "You will put an end to this madness once and for all, brother. I will no longer tolerate these schemes of yours, especially one that threatens to cleave the strands of brotherhood as it has done so many times before. You seek nothing but to toil with our minds!"

Loki's arms are spread wide as he encompasses the whole room in what looks like a gesture of generosity. "Once again, you overlook this offering, this opportunity for the Avengers to become so much more."

A lot of things happen at once: Tony hears Clint say "I may have a shot," just as Jarvis alerts Tony to the fact that Loki's heat signature has been registered in the opposite building; Natasha gives Clint a nod just as Loki's hologram speaks up, cottoning on, "It appears that my welcome has been overstayed. We shall meet again soon, Avengers."; A bright light, identical to the one Tony witnessed not an hour before begins to grow in the center of the room where Loki disappears; Thor, god bless him, throws his hammer at the light in an idiotic last-ditch attempt at stopping his brother, only for it to tear through the walls of Tony's freshly restored upper floors; As luck would have it the hammer homes in on Bruce instead, and the resulting roar of rage from the hulk is the cherry on top of this catastrophic suck-fest; The last thing Tony sees is Steve, running toward him, shield held high to block the light as it forms a sort of halo-effect around his head, just as the light becomes overwhelming.

Tony has a second to think "Well, this is embarrassing," before he loses consciousness once again.


End file.
